In many years to come James, I am sure I will be only a vague memory, perhaps an anonymous bystander in a photograph. -I hope not though...
Tonight you reminded me of the power of a hug and the freedom of forgiveness. I was working with the kids tonight, trying to decide whether or not to direct the next show. I won't embarress you by recounting the circumstances, but you stood there, tears rolling down your cheeks, thinking we all hated you for something you hadn't done.
I didn't know what to say, all I could think to do was gather you in my arms and so I did. When you hugged me back, I realised how easily I could have missed that opportunity. This is the only moment we have!
Monday, 28 February 2011
Tuesday, 22 February 2011
Am I the biggest loser?
Something has been bothering me for a few weeks now. I tried ignoring it, then telling myself I was being petty. Every other solution has failed me so here I go, rant time...
All my life I have tried to live life the right way. I have worked hard, paid my taxes and generally tried to be a good person. A few weeks ago, I started watching the biggest loser. Week after week, I have been watching people who have systematically abused their bodies being given huge opportunities.
Even now, listening to these people talking about their experiences, I am really jealous and to be honest wondering why I bother. I'm not proud of that attitude, it's definitely not my best side.
Obviously there is some unacknowledged need in me that I feel is not being met. I think what is going on in my little head is that I don't think anyone acknowledges my efforts or does so with sincerity.
This blog is charting myself development as much as my journey to Macchu Picchu. Here I am, for the first time seeing some deep seated need. Something that actually I cannot ask anyone else to meet. I'm not sure how to deal with it, but I do feel better for recognising it.
On a separate note; I wonder if some of us remain single for longer because we have a few more rough edges to knock off than others -hey does this mean I am really starting to be a proper grown up??
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod
All my life I have tried to live life the right way. I have worked hard, paid my taxes and generally tried to be a good person. A few weeks ago, I started watching the biggest loser. Week after week, I have been watching people who have systematically abused their bodies being given huge opportunities.
Even now, listening to these people talking about their experiences, I am really jealous and to be honest wondering why I bother. I'm not proud of that attitude, it's definitely not my best side.
Obviously there is some unacknowledged need in me that I feel is not being met. I think what is going on in my little head is that I don't think anyone acknowledges my efforts or does so with sincerity.
This blog is charting myself development as much as my journey to Macchu Picchu. Here I am, for the first time seeing some deep seated need. Something that actually I cannot ask anyone else to meet. I'm not sure how to deal with it, but I do feel better for recognising it.
On a separate note; I wonder if some of us remain single for longer because we have a few more rough edges to knock off than others -hey does this mean I am really starting to be a proper grown up??
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod
Location:Ranting in my bedroom
Thursday, 3 February 2011
Another goodbye.
I thought that as I marked the passing of Steve last year, that it was apropriate to make a mention of Linda Malone, who sadly passed away yesterday.
Lin was the first person I hired, she was a plodder and worked hard for me over the years. Lin had a gerat sense of humour and although she had very little was incredibly generous with what she had. She was a great spirit and a joy to know.
Our warehouse will be a quieter place without you singing along to Rod Stewart and a sadder place without you. Thank-you for the privelege of sharing your daily life with us. I will treasure the happy memories I have of you.
In time, our guilt will fade that we never noticed the warning signs that there really was something wrong with you. For now, I'll try to treasure every precious moment in my life and underscore that every interaction might be my last.
Lin was the first person I hired, she was a plodder and worked hard for me over the years. Lin had a gerat sense of humour and although she had very little was incredibly generous with what she had. She was a great spirit and a joy to know.
Our warehouse will be a quieter place without you singing along to Rod Stewart and a sadder place without you. Thank-you for the privelege of sharing your daily life with us. I will treasure the happy memories I have of you.
In time, our guilt will fade that we never noticed the warning signs that there really was something wrong with you. For now, I'll try to treasure every precious moment in my life and underscore that every interaction might be my last.
Tuesday, 1 February 2011
Two 'conversations'
Last night I had two encounters which disturbed me. I'm hoping that these disturbances will allow me to grow.
The first was a rather sad encounter with someone who I've come to respect. In many ways I see a lot of myself in her, she seems to be living in perpetual darkness -maybe it's hormones talking but I was touched by her apparent inability to enjoy the good things in life.
I know that I share so many of the same sadnesses and frustrations. I want to help her!
The second encounter was with someone I have known for many years. It was maybe an attempt at humour that I read wrong. I was posting some silly comment on facebook about Derren Brown and being in love. Actually they were two statements totally unrelated cryptically posted together. The response that I got was an offhand comment about him being gay so I had no chance -as if there was some possibility of my getting together with him.
So anyway here I am musing in bed about people and the way we handle one another and then I realised, I still don't truly love myself, there are still parts of me that I'm struggling to accept. Yes it is an ongoing process learning to love oneself. Hopefully I am a step closer. And by the way, it doesn't matter if Derren Brown is gay, because So am I! I didn't post this reply on FB because that is my business the only other person who needs to be concerned with that is my partner, when she steps into my life.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod
The first was a rather sad encounter with someone who I've come to respect. In many ways I see a lot of myself in her, she seems to be living in perpetual darkness -maybe it's hormones talking but I was touched by her apparent inability to enjoy the good things in life.
I know that I share so many of the same sadnesses and frustrations. I want to help her!
The second encounter was with someone I have known for many years. It was maybe an attempt at humour that I read wrong. I was posting some silly comment on facebook about Derren Brown and being in love. Actually they were two statements totally unrelated cryptically posted together. The response that I got was an offhand comment about him being gay so I had no chance -as if there was some possibility of my getting together with him.
So anyway here I am musing in bed about people and the way we handle one another and then I realised, I still don't truly love myself, there are still parts of me that I'm struggling to accept. Yes it is an ongoing process learning to love oneself. Hopefully I am a step closer. And by the way, it doesn't matter if Derren Brown is gay, because So am I! I didn't post this reply on FB because that is my business the only other person who needs to be concerned with that is my partner, when she steps into my life.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod
Location:In bed, trying to get some sleep.
Monday, 24 January 2011
More than words
I'm at home tonight when I'd rather be elsewhere so was feeling a little despondent.
I'm reading a book on hypnotism. I came across a chapter on words -which have always been a fascination to me. I came across the word precious and how we forget we are all precious.
I think I'll adopt it as my word of the week and try remind the people who step in to my world how precious they are
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod
I'm reading a book on hypnotism. I came across a chapter on words -which have always been a fascination to me. I came across the word precious and how we forget we are all precious.
I think I'll adopt it as my word of the week and try remind the people who step in to my world how precious they are
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod
Thursday, 13 January 2011
What to do next
It's been a tough week, one where I have struggled with myself and for the most part I have won. I'm having a rare evening in front of a DVD.
For a while, I have been thinking about my teenage years and how I became the person I am today. Obviously the church played a big part in my moral development. I'm coming to terms with the fact I feel the teachings of the church deprived me of some of the experiences most teenagers have.
The biggest gulf in my education growing up is that I am not sure what to do when I like someone and less so, how to tell if they are interested in me.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod
For a while, I have been thinking about my teenage years and how I became the person I am today. Obviously the church played a big part in my moral development. I'm coming to terms with the fact I feel the teachings of the church deprived me of some of the experiences most teenagers have.
The biggest gulf in my education growing up is that I am not sure what to do when I like someone and less so, how to tell if they are interested in me.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod
Location:At home, musing while watching DB
Saturday, 8 January 2011
Not so loose ends
I had a really powerful experience yesterday in my meditation, where I really felt that I was touched by God, and equipped for things to come. I began tonights meditation with expentency and was excited quite early on when I felt that it was going to be similarly uplifting.
I won't say that I was disappointed -I think disturbed was more the concept. I felt really strongly that I am to begin tying up some loose ends at work -repairing relationships that have fallen apart in recent years. For the record, I don't think that a lot of the damage is my fault, rather it has been exacerbated by two people who are afraid of confrontation.
Part of what I feel I need to do in the forthcoming week is to come clean about my sexuality. Over the past 3 weeks, (since I told my brother) it has become clearer to me that this is something that I have known since my teenage years, but have buried deep partly due to the fear that my church friends would either hate me or want nothing to do with me. I wonder now if the spates of nightmares and panic attacks were that part of me trying to attract my attention.
I'm still struggling internally, but slowly I am starting to accept myself for who I am. Who would have thought it, a blog intended to track my progress towards a trip to a lifetime allowing me the chance to search deep within my soul and help me to love myself.
I won't say that I was disappointed -I think disturbed was more the concept. I felt really strongly that I am to begin tying up some loose ends at work -repairing relationships that have fallen apart in recent years. For the record, I don't think that a lot of the damage is my fault, rather it has been exacerbated by two people who are afraid of confrontation.
Part of what I feel I need to do in the forthcoming week is to come clean about my sexuality. Over the past 3 weeks, (since I told my brother) it has become clearer to me that this is something that I have known since my teenage years, but have buried deep partly due to the fear that my church friends would either hate me or want nothing to do with me. I wonder now if the spates of nightmares and panic attacks were that part of me trying to attract my attention.
I'm still struggling internally, but slowly I am starting to accept myself for who I am. Who would have thought it, a blog intended to track my progress towards a trip to a lifetime allowing me the chance to search deep within my soul and help me to love myself.
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